Little Elf turns 3

It's so strange to not describe Little Elf as my baby any more. Up until four weeks ago, that's what she was and that's what she had been for three years. The one I carried close, the one I continued to feed, the one I curled up to in the night.

Overnight her role changed. She is searching for her place in the family, confused by how I am no longer arms free at any moment. She sees her doting mother craddling another with a look of love in her eyes that she thought was only for her. She is finding her anger, her emotions and testing them seeing how far we will go. I am trying to stand strong and let her know that nothing has changed but things are different now. To be a three year old finding her way is tough, but I know this strong, spirited, loveable, funny, shouty, determined little Elf will scramble her way through (stopping once in a while to climb a wall or fallen tree) and I'll hold her hand all the way.

Summer is here

I've been putting off writing on here as I have felt I have to play catch up elsewhere - make note of all the moments that have passed before I can write about the here and now. But it dawned on me that all I am creating is a past when I should be focusing on a present. So here I am now. Today.

Our little ray of sunshine turns 4 weeks tomorrow. I cannot believe a month ago this night I was blowing away the pain of the contractions. I feel so blessed I had such a wonderful home birth - everything I had hoped it would be yet so much is swimming in my head.

I look back at the pregnancy - 4 months of chronic morning sickness and then stress at the end over how baby was - and I wonder could I have handled it differently? Did I make the most of the happy moments? Did I nurture and connect? And now with her in my arms I still cloud my mind with thoughts like did I capture those first moments enough. Perhaps I am so aware that this is my last baby that every moment I have will not be repeated. I won;t hold a newborn that I grew and birthed again - this is it, my last chance. I am blessed, so so blessed that I have had four beautiful babies to hold and love and call my own, yet still the yearning and pangs are present. The powerful instinct to mother. 

But she is 4 weeks old. Barely a moment in a lifetime. I must remind myself that she has not left my side and she won't for many more years to come.

24 weeks

24 weeks. Can it really be so. How can I be at the point where I have to get on all fours to get up? I have to roll over on to one side to get out of bed and spend my days resisting the urge to itch my round, full tummy.

For twenty weeks. Twenty of the longest and hardest weeks of my life I was floored, suffering from extreme morning sickness. It was something I absolutely did not expect or prepare for. I'd had sickness before with the others, sometimes quite badly, not wanting to eat and feeling nauseous. But this was in another league. I literally could not get out of bed. I couldn't be a mum to my kids - I couldn't even hug them. If I ate it left me feeling revolting but if I didn't eat the. hunger pangs left me doubled over. The worse thing of all was the darkness. The insane feelings of sadness. Of not wanting to have to go through another day. I sound dramatic and I felt guilty. I wasn't 'ill'. I didn't have a disease. I was carrying a baby. I was blessed. But the truth is I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

Yet here I am a month on, up and about, feeling okay. Tired, itchy and big, but I repeat and take in the words 'I am up and I am out'. I am cuddling my kids again. I am here. I'm starting to feel our baby kicking me and the reality of what is happening is sinking in. The excitement slowly gathering pace as I plan our future with a soft hand caressing my bump. In some ways I'm panicking a little too. This is the last time I will do this I am sure of that and so I want to be able to relish every moment and fulfil every pregnancy dream I have - whatever they are, but I know they exist. I want to make the most of the moment, the magical moments of growing our baby. For all that I have been through those first four months, I am so grateful I have been given the chance to find my own happiness in this blessing.

Lawilde Nirvana Marley

REVIEW Nirvana Marley

Deep midnight navy is contrasted with a mustard gold to create a simple but striking colourway. The petal and leaf illustrations have an organic feel - delicate but at the same time defined in their design. It’s a style that can take you through every season - teaming with tonal winter woollies as I’ve done here, or it can look enlivened against a white cotton summer t shirt. It’s all cotton, weighing in at 300g/ms and is soft immediately after the first wash. Nirvana has a flat design - when you run your fingers across it you can just make out the leaves and petals, but the surface feels fluffy. Despite the flatness, the fluffy cotton surface provides a nice level of grip, allowing slip knots and carries to stay put. The wrapping experience is fuss-free and easy to work with but with a feeling of absolute luxury. It moulds beautifully from knee to knee to give a good seat and passes can be created without breaking into a sweat giving you a broad repertoire of carries. When I was wrapping out and about however, I did rely on car windows as I couldn’t quite connect with the natural instinct to feel if a pass had stretched nicely across the back. Perhaps it’s because I expected more stretch? Don’t get me wrong, there is stretch - enough to provide comfortable bounce and any tension I did lose from fumbling about is easy to put back in as the fabric folds and concertinas beautifully. In fact these pictures were taken after a good two hours walk and she felt as secure as when we had set off. It was only towards the end of our trip, I placed a hand under her bum to provide extra support.

The truth of the matter is, I’m nit-picking, trying to give you the pros and cons when actually I’m pretty giddy-eyed and fuzzy headed over Marley. It ticks so many boxes - easy care, fuss-free wrapping and the famous Lawilde cotton cush and luxurious finish. I wrapped my 6 year old in it for fun and considering I am nearly 5 months pregnant, she felt superbly comfy, yet I can see this as a lovely option for when the squish arrives. I don’t want to gush - I want to be objective and a good reviewer, but really I just want to have a hilltop Julie Andrews moment over this one. So I’ll just say it as I see it - this is Lawilde at it’s best - style and luxury at the forefront but comfort, ease and carrying close at it’s heart.

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