Little Elf turns 3

It's so strange to not describe Little Elf as my baby any more. Up until four weeks ago, that's what she was and that's what she had been for three years. The one I carried close, the one I continued to feed, the one I curled up to in the night.

Overnight her role changed. She is searching for her place in the family, confused by how I am no longer arms free at any moment. She sees her doting mother craddling another with a look of love in her eyes that she thought was only for her. She is finding her anger, her emotions and testing them seeing how far we will go. I am trying to stand strong and let her know that nothing has changed but things are different now. To be a three year old finding her way is tough, but I know this strong, spirited, loveable, funny, shouty, determined little Elf will scramble her way through (stopping once in a while to climb a wall or fallen tree) and I'll hold her hand all the way.

Summer is here

I've been putting off writing on here as I have felt I have to play catch up elsewhere - make note of all the moments that have passed before I can write about the here and now. But it dawned on me that all I am creating is a past when I should be focusing on a present. So here I am now. Today.

Our little ray of sunshine turns 4 weeks tomorrow. I cannot believe a month ago this night I was blowing away the pain of the contractions. I feel so blessed I had such a wonderful home birth - everything I had hoped it would be yet so much is swimming in my head.

I look back at the pregnancy - 4 months of chronic morning sickness and then stress at the end over how baby was - and I wonder could I have handled it differently? Did I make the most of the happy moments? Did I nurture and connect? And now with her in my arms I still cloud my mind with thoughts like did I capture those first moments enough. Perhaps I am so aware that this is my last baby that every moment I have will not be repeated. I won;t hold a newborn that I grew and birthed again - this is it, my last chance. I am blessed, so so blessed that I have had four beautiful babies to hold and love and call my own, yet still the yearning and pangs are present. The powerful instinct to mother. 

But she is 4 weeks old. Barely a moment in a lifetime. I must remind myself that she has not left my side and she won't for many more years to come.