Our little ray of sunshine turns 4 weeks tomorrow. I cannot believe a month ago this night I was blowing away the pain of the contractions. I feel so blessed I had such a wonderful home birth - everything I had hoped it would be yet so much is swimming in my head.
I look back at the pregnancy - 4 months of chronic morning sickness and then stress at the end over how baby was - and I wonder could I have handled it differently? Did I make the most of the happy moments? Did I nurture and connect? And now with her in my arms I still cloud my mind with thoughts like did I capture those first moments enough. Perhaps I am so aware that this is my last baby that every moment I have will not be repeated. I won;t hold a newborn that I grew and birthed again - this is it, my last chance. I am blessed, so so blessed that I have had four beautiful babies to hold and love and call my own, yet still the yearning and pangs are present. The powerful instinct to mother.
But she is 4 weeks old. Barely a moment in a lifetime. I must remind myself that she has not left my side and she won't for many more years to come.
